Should I stay or should I go?
It’s interesting to reflect on why two reasonable people who are well informed can look at the same information and come to very different conclusions. We explore this theme a lot in one of our marriage preparation courses; looking at how gender, values, personality, emotional needs, background, etc. all influence how we see the world. Those different perspectives can lead to tensions and conflict in any relationship, whether that is at work, in a marriage, at church, or even in politics.
We are seeing the impact of these different perspectives played out on the grand stage of the national news media at the moment with the ongoing ‘debate’ about Europe, with politicians from across the political spectrum disagreeing on what is ‘best for the UK’. It seems fair to assume that our MPs are all well informed about the situation, but they are not united in their views; of the 598 MPs that have declared their intentions 75% are voting ‘Remain’, whilst 25% are voting ‘Leave’.
Since the referendum was announced we’ve been bombarded with information and misinformation from both sides about the benefits and perils of leaving or staying in the EU. The mess of claims and counterclaims makes it near impossible to differentiate fact vs opinion. There is a lot of emotive talk and some ‘scary’ numbers being thrown around by both sides, but little of true substance or reasoned debate.
We might be quick to pour scorn on the state of US politics, where despite some horrendous gaffs, lies and ignorance, Donald Trump is winning the race to be the next republican candidate. However, with the sensationalising of issues, the half-truths being told and the trotting out of celebrities, scientists and business people in support of one side or the other, are things that much different here in the UK?
In all the ‘noise’ how can we know what’s in the best interests of our country and our children?
An additional challenge is that we don’t stand on neutral ground when we come to explore this topic. Our views are shaped by the factors I mention in the opening paragraph and by what we have read, thought and experienced over the years about this issue. So we bring our own perspective to this decision, our own set of lenses through which we view the world, and we can’t help but see things from that perspective.
I notice that when we are engaged in conversations about the referendum we can be quick to jump in and explain our point of view, rather than trying to understand other person’s perspective. When we ask people what they think, it is often more to identify points where we disagree than it is to understand their position.
In our marriage preparation course we identify a question that often fuels tensions and arguments… ‘Why don’t you see things the way I do?’ However, if we are truly seeking to understand each other, then, recognising that we come with very different perspectives, a more useful question might be, ‘Help me to see this through your eyes?’ Instead of pointing out where we disagree, we seek to truly understand why our partner has a different perspective to ourselves. Rob Bell says, ‘When we get married we get a second set of eyes through which to view the world.’ If we can learn to see through those eyes, then we have a broader more expansive view of the world.
The same principal applies to all relationships; if we truly value the many people we work, worship and live with, then we need to recognise that they each bring with them a unique perspective on the world, which can enrich us. However, this means seeking understanding, rather than just stating our own perspective, or pursing our own agenda.
So if we are to seek understanding in the EU debate (or in anything over which we disagree; finances, faith, family time, etc) it would be a positive step to ask people to help us see things through their eyes. It may be a vain hope, but I think it would be great if our politicians could model the same thing.
Rev Barry Jackson