Results - Parish Newsletter for September 2015

At the end of June parents and year 6 students were anxious to get their SATS results, today (as I write this) many students are getting their A level results and next week it will be the turn of those that are waiting to hear about their GCSE grades. 

For some it’s a wonderful time as they celebrate their results but for others it can be very difficult as they face the disappointment of not achieving all they’d hoped for.

As parents it can be difficult to get the balance right.  We want to encourage our children to do their best and work hard, but we also want them to know that the results they achieve do not define who they are.

Perhaps part of the challenge we have in conveying this message is that we often struggle to accept this wisdom for ourselves.  We often define ourselves by what we do or have achieved in our jobs or roles in life.  Whether we are a full time parent, a teacher, a business person, an engineer, a vicar, or whatever, we consciously or subconsciously measure our ‘success’ in our job/role.  Whether that measure of success is a happy family with well-balanced children that are doing well, a class that are succeeding, a business that is growing, a career that is progressing, a church that is thriving, etc. 

Our society is full of grades and expectations and people can feel driven to achieve in so many areas of life.  One of the first questions we often ask when we are getting to know someone is ‘What do you do?’, to which the response usually is, ‘I am a…’ not ‘I am currently spending my time…’.  The things we achieve, or the roles we have, become synonymous with who we are and we only feel acceptable to ourselves and others when we are performing well.  The problem in having to achieve in order to feel acceptable is that any ‘success’ is temporary and there is always something more to be done, which means that there is pressure to achieve again in order to feel acceptable and we continue round an unhealthy cycle of Achievement => Identity => Acceptance.  Frank Lake, a prominent psychologist in the last century, identified this pattern as being stuck in a ‘Cycle of Works.’

When we are caught in a ‘Cycle of Works’ then our drivenness can damage the relationships we value most; personal criticism rocks our sense of worth; we are unable to separate who we are from what we do; and whenever we achieve anything there is only momentary relief and pleasure.

That’s why it is so important for children to grow up in a home where they feel loved and accepted for who they are and not what they achieve, because they will be surrounded in life by a culture that will tell them the opposite.

The opposite to the Cycle of Works is what Frank Lake called the Cycle of Grace.  When Jesus was baptised the first thing he heard from God, his Father, was, ‘You are my son whom I love, with you I am well pleased.’ Before he taught, before he healed anyone, before cast out any demons, before he recruited any followers, before he did anything the first thing he knew was God’s loving acceptance.  The knowledge of that love made him fully secure in his own identity and all of the things he achieved flowed from that place of security. Acceptance => Identity => Achievement

When we know we are unconditionally loved and accepted for who we are, then what we do, those things we look to achieve, come from a place of security; come from knowing that, irrespective of the outcome, we are still fully loved and accepted.

I first began to really grasp what this meant when I attended an Alpha Course 15 years ago.  Alpha is an exploration of the Christian faith with which opened my eyes to the reality of God’s unconditional love for each one of us.

Whether you are caught in a Cycle of Works, would like to have the space to ask the questions about life and faith that bug you, or are just curious to know more and would like to explore Christianity in a relaxed and informal environment (with good food),  then you would be welcome to join us on our Alpha Course this year which is being held in Kineton Primary School starting on Thursday 24th September at 7.30pm. 

Rev Barry Jackson