Chapter 11 - Priscilla - Letting Go

... Suddenly, the anxiety that had seemed so tightly rooted in my heart began to move, and I knew that God wanted this. I finally accepted that God wasn't dismissive of my fears...

When we prayed for Achim and his family in Martha's home, I experienced a beautiful, gentle joy and peace.

I wasn’t overwhelmed by a sense of God's love and didn’t find myself praising God in angelic tongues. I could see, hear and even feel echoes of the overwhelming joy many others experienced... but it wasn't the same for me. I felt a quiet, calm sense of love and belonging. It was real but gentle... and it was just right for me.

I’ve never had an experience quite like the ones that Junia and Aquila describe, and I know many others like me who haven't. The Spirit blesses each of us differently. At that time, my anxiety... my... my fear of losing control meant the idea of being overwhelmed by the Spirit filled me with dread. Over the years, I’ve learned to give my fear and anxiety to God so they don’t dominate in the way they used to. However, I've never wanted to be overwhelmed like the others. I’m full of the Spirit and blessed with wisdom, insight and understanding, and using those gifts fills me with joy in a different way.

I first came to understand that during our time at Martha’s home

After arriving at Martha's, Aquila and I did little but talk, sharing what we’d learned and experienced that day. When everyone started helping prepare the food, we asked Martha how we could help. She smiled, ‘It is a pleasure to have you here as guests, and we have more than enough hands to do the work... on top of that, I suspect there is a lot that the two of you have to talk about.’

She was right. We were both hungry to learn, to understand... to make sense of all we'd seen and heard. We sat out of the way, near the main gate to the courtyard, and recapped on the day. Aquila shared what Cleopas had told him, and I shared what I’d learned in Mary’s group as we explored the parable about the sower.

That’s when I began to be aware of my gift of insight from the Spirit. As we spoke, my mind kept making intuitive leaps, connecting parts of Israel's story and the words of the prophets with what we'd seen and experienced. Each time Aquila paused and posed a question, I’d found the answer would come to me. Bits of scripture I don't even remember reading would jump into my mind, or if it wasn't scripture, I'd get a deep sense of peace when something was right.

We were still sitting near the gate when Motti arrived with Zee. Motti introduced us and went off to find Junia. Zee joined our conversation and was encouraging about the explanation of the parable of the sower I gave Aquila.

‘Excellent,’ He smiled widely, ‘I’ve been following Jesus for years, and you raise ideas I've not considered before.’

I blushed and explained, ‘It was the group I was with, not me. Mary led the discussion, and as we explored the parable together, the Holy Spirit kept giving us new insights.’

‘But, you’ve grasped it and retained it well.’ Zee thought for a moment before continuing, ‘Let me give you another of Jesus' parables about the kingdom and see what that says to you.

‘Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed ears, then the weeds also appeared.

“The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

“‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you pull up the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time, I will tell the harvesters: first collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

‘How would you interpret that teaching?’ Zee smiled encouragingly as he asked the question.

I paused, feeling unsure and unqualified to be commenting. When we'd been together as a group of women, it felt safe to voice an opinion. However, Zee was not only a man but was also one of the twelve. I'd seen how men and women treated each other more as equals in this group, but it was still all so new.

Aquila filled the silence, ‘Is it about the day of the Lord... about judgement at the end of the age?’ He asked, ‘God plants the good seed and the evil one plants the weeds, and on judgement day the good crop... that’s the good people... will be saved and the weeds will get what they deserve.’ He looked at Zee to see if he was right.

Zee nodded, smiling, ‘That's certainly the way I first heard it, but I’ve always felt there were more levels to that parable. What do you...’

‘Zee!’ John called, cutting through the chatter. He hurried over to our group and said, ‘I’m glad I found you. We’re having a brief meeting on the roof to organize tonight’s meal. The others are already up there; can you come?’

‘Absolutely,’ Zee said as he stood and turned to me. ‘I'll have to wait to hear your thoughts, Prisca. I hope we can discuss this more later.’

Zee left with John, and Aquila and I spent the next hour discussing the kingdom, the similarities and differences between the parable of the sower and this new one, the nature of the kingdom of heaven, and the relevance of the bits of the book of Isaiah (that Aquila could remember) that spoke about the day of the Lord.

I loved it! We both did. I’d always enjoyed studying with Rabbi Benjamin in Rome, but this was different. It was so much more real and alive. Rather than a detached study investigating the meaning of something written centuries ago, it was a living and joyful exploration of scripture and the teaching of Jesus in the light of what we were experiencing. As we spoke, I felt God's pleasure in our questioning, and our desire for understanding, and the Holy Spirit kept giving me insight and knowledge that was well beyond my limited experience of Judaism.

We were still deep in conversation when Martha said the food was ready. Cleopas spotted us and encouraged us to join him in the queue for food. I was greatly relieved when I realised we'd be sitting with a group where I knew many people. Everyone was very friendly, but my anxiety kept bubbling up, and I couldn’t cope with the stress of getting to know another group of people.

I learned later that our group had been the subject of discussion among the leadership. The four of us were the only ones who had never met with Jesus; the servants in the house had all come to know him from the many times he'd visited Martha’s home, and the others had all journeyed with him for years. The discussion had been around how best to make us feel welcome. It was decided that Cleopas and Mary needed to be part of the same group as us, and Zee had asked to be with us as he wanted to continue his conversations with Motti... and with me.

Seeing Mary and Junia filled me with joy; I hurried over and sat beside them. We embraced warmly as if we hadn't seen each other in ages. Aquila sat on my right, and beyond him were Cleopas and Motti (who joined us a few minutes later). When Zee joined us, he sat next to Motti.

Copyright © LUMO project (Big Book Media)

Before we ate, everyone who’d been in Jerusalem that day prayed for those who hadn't, and they were filled with the Spirit. The courtyard was full of people laughing and crying with joy, and there was much hugging, together with laughter and excited conversation. Martha called us to order, Peter gave thanks for the meal, and silence descended on the courtyard as we all eagerly tucked into our food.

The food was delicious, but I was so hungry I didn't notice how tasty it was until I had eaten most of it. It had been about twelve hours since we’d breakfasted in Emmaus, and I was famished. As we took the edge off our hunger, the buzz of conversation and laughter started to grow again.

‘I know that Motti and Junia farm olives,’ Zee broke the silence in our group, ‘But what about you and Prisca? What do you both do?’ he asked Aquila.

‘We're tent makers.’ Aquila replied, ‘Some of the finest in Rome. Our families were in the same business, and the market was big enough that we never needed to compete. We’ve often worked together to help meet our larger orders. So when it came time to marry, it seemed like a good match.’

‘What is it that you do?’ Aquila asked Zee

‘Ha! What I used to do is a long story, which can wait for another time.’ Zee smiled, ‘But for these last three years, I've been following Jesus, learning from him and seeing and doing things that I would never have believed.’

He shook his head and laughed at that last bit, and the group joined in. To my great relief, following the laughter, the group broke into many small conversations, and we stopped being the centre of attention. I was quiet most of the meal, occasionally joining in conversation with Mary and Junia but mostly just watching, listening and marvelling at the easy, familial way these people had with each other. The sense of God's presence... the feeling of his joy was gently there in every conversation, every laugh, and every touch.

Mary leaned toward me, ‘You're very quiet, Prisca. What are you thinking?’

‘Just how beautiful this all is... And what a privilege it is to be here.’ I laughed, ‘I think my cheek muscles will be aching tomorrow; I just can’t stop smiling. I’ll never be able to thank you and Cleopas enough for inviting the four of us to be here.’

’Martha is always opening her home to travellers, so I knew she’d be happy for you to come...And I strongly sensed that the Spirit wanted you to be here this evening.’

‘In what way?’ I asked

‘I don't know what it was like for the others as they were baptising people today, but when Mags and I baptised you and Junia, I had strong impressions from the Holy Spirit.’ Mary explained

‘What did you feel?’ Junia asked, joining our conversation, ‘That we were both mixed-up women that needed special attention?’ She laughed, and we laughed with her.

‘With you, Junia, there was an explosion of joy from the Spirit that felt all about community... no more than that... it was about family. I've known you for many years, and I’ve always liked you, but this feeling was much deeper, and I had the sense that you would be someone who helped people make connections, grow community, grow family, and grow the Kingdom of Heaven. Then, when you were so brave in sharing your insights on the Mount of Olives... when you were vulnerable enough to share your grief and fears... I felt it again, even stronger than before. I think that your gifts in hospitality and your willingness to be open to others will be used powerfully by God.’

Junia looked down, blushing at the praise but with a massive smile on her face. ‘What about Prisca?’ She asked, keen to deflect attention elsewhere.

At that point, there was a lull in the conversation; all eyes turned on the three of us, and my anxiety suddenly shot up. I focused on chasing a couple of imaginary legumes around my empty bowl with a piece of bread and avoided eye contact with anyone.

Mary touched my arm reassuringly, ‘Prisca was different.’ She said, ‘As she was baptised, I had a feeling of depth and gentleness, that she was a deeply wise person who would be a gifted teacher and be able to help people grow in understanding of God and his purposes.’

I was flattered by what Mary said but knew it wasn’t true. Any depth in me was full of fear and anxiety, not wisdom. My understanding was so limited, and I felt woefully inadequate. When I dared to look up, I regretted it... everyone in the circle was looking at me and smiling! I felt my cheeks burning and thought my heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode. I focused back on the bowl and tried to slow my breathing.

‘Then, when we were on the Mount of Olives and during the walk from there to here, Prisca had insightful comments and questions that helped me to see things differently. As we walked here, an image of a buried treasure came to mind. This treasure was of immense worth but it needed to be unearthed and brought into the light so that all would see its value. Again, I think that was something about a deep wisdom and insight that God has given you, and those gifts will be a huge blessing to us all.’

I managed to mumble a thank you without looking up. Noticing my unease, Mags jumped in, ‘Well, I sense the Spirit telling me that my stomach needs some more of that delicious stew!’ she chuckled, and the group laughed with her, ‘Would anyone else care for some?’

There was a chorus of yeses, and Mags, Salome, and Cleopas gathered up the bowls and took them to the pot to refill them.

The remainder of the group settled into several small conversations. Achim moved to chat with Motti, and Zee scooted across to be next to Aquila.

‘When I first started following Jesus, I felt so out of place.’ He said to Aquila and me, ‘My life had been full of anger and violence, so I was quick to take offence, and for many years, my short temper hid the gifts I had to offer.’ He paused, ‘Jesus once told me that I had gifts of insight, in that I could read people and situations. He said that I buried those gifts behind the masks I wore and that I would only discover the treasure hidden in me when I learned to let go of my anger.’

‘But... but... I'm not angry... I'm terrified.’ I said quietly, looking to Aquila and Mary for support.

‘In reality, my anger was a cover for my insecurity,’ Zee smiled gently, ‘So in many ways, it had its roots in the same fear you feel, but I was not as honest as you in naming what was happening inside my heart.’

He paused, and an image jumped into my mind, ‘Like the weeds in the parable of the sower,’ I said before I could stop myself, ‘I... err... well...’ I tailed off, unable to believe that I'd spoken up like that.

‘Go on.’ Mary encouraged me, ‘What did you mean about the weeds?’

I paused and took a deep breath, ‘There are different sorts of weeds, but they all choke out the seeds of love God has planted in us. Whether it's anger, fear of inadequacy, arrogance, or something else… they are all just different weeds that stop us from knowing the fullness of life God longs to give us. The weeds stop us from knowing the treasure of the kingdom, and they also bury the gifts inside us, keeping them out of the light.’ I said this in one breath without pausing and then fixed my eyes firmly on the ground before me, unable to look at anyone.

'You're right!’ Zee exclaimed, ‘I like that... the weeds of anger and fear bury the gifts we have to offer, and at the same time prevent us from knowing the treasure we have in the kingdom.’

‘That's brilliant, Prisca.’ Mary said encouragingly, ‘You need to understand that none of us were any good at working out what Jesus' parables meant when we first started following him. You were only baptised into his name a few hours ago, and already the spirit is giving you insight in ways that mean we are learning from you.’ She leaned over and hugged me.

‘Thank you.’ I muttered as pride and embarrassment competed for first place in my heart. Suddenly, an image of mighty angels gently and carefully harvesting and removing weeds popped into my head. Before I could stop myself, I said, ‘I think it's related to the second parable, too.’ My voice trailed off towards the end of the sentence as my embarrassment surged and anxiety won the battle over my other feelings. I silently prayed for Mags and the others to hurry up and bring back the bowls so I could escape the attention.

‘The second parable?’ Mary asked, looking puzzled.

‘I shared the parable of the wheat and the weeds with them earlier.' Zee explained, then turned to me, ‘Go on, Prisca, how do you think they’re connected?’

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to try and slow my heart, ‘Well,’ I said as I opened them again, ‘I'm not sure, but it has to do with the weeds.’

I looked at Mary, who nodded encouragingly.

‘When we discussed the first parable today, I learned that my heart had all four soils.’ I said, staring at the ground so I could avoid looking at anyone, ‘In the same way, when I think of the second parable, I would say that my heart contains both wheat and weeds...good and bad... the gifts you say I have,’ I glanced at Mary before focussing back on the patch of earth in front of me, ‘and the fear and sense of inadequacy that threaten to bury that gift.’

‘Yes!’ Zee laughed with delight, ‘When I joined you and Aquila in discussion earlier, I sensed that God was giving you gifts of insight and understanding.’

‘I've never thought about it that way before,’ Mary said, ‘When Jesus first told us the parable, we didn't understand it, and he had to explain it. He said that the wheat was the good people, and the weeds were the evil people God would deal with at the end of the age. But as we learned on the Mount of Olives earlier, Jesus; parables contain more layers to be discovered for those looking to understand, or as Jesus used to say, for those with the ears to hear.

‘Thank you, Prisca, you are a real gift to us.’ Mary leaned over and hugged me, smiling widely.

I blushed again, ‘Thank you,’ I said quietly, ‘But... but ... I didn't work it out myself. It was just a picture that jumped into my mind of an angel carefully taking out weeds. It made me think about my anxiety as weeds that were planted by the enemy, something that is not of God, something that is trying to choke out the life that God wants me to know.’

Aquila frowned, looking puzzled, ‘But in the parable about the wheat and the weeds, didn’t the man tell his servants not to pull up the weeds until the harvest?’

‘Good point,’ Mary looked thoughtful, ‘I think Prisca's understanding is right; I think that God wants to remove the things in our lives that stop us from having life in all its fullness as Jesus promised... but I'm not sure how that then fits with the parable.’

There was a pause in our conversation as everyone looked thoughtful. I felt a wave of panic, and my mind started racing... What if I was wrong? What if I'd said something that I wasn't meant to? Maybe I didn't have a gift for understanding, perhaps they were wrong about that... and when they realised it, they’d reject me. I'd disappointed them, I'd disappointed God. Maybe that was why my experience of the Spirit had been different... God knew I'd be a disappointment, and he'd rejected me. What if...

‘Prisca, I still think you're on to something here.’ Zee smiled reassuringly, ‘I trust that the Spirit is giving you new insight; we just need to pray for clarity.’

‘Could it mean that as we open ourselves to the Spirit, we are part of the first harvest?’ Aquila asked, ‘And maybe God or God's angels will help us clear the weeds in our hearts?’

‘Yes!’ Mary almost shouted in her excitement. Earlier, Junia helped us see how we could help each other clear the weeds and rocks from our hearts. And now you’ve both helped us see how God, or God’s angels, will help us with that, too! I knew that God wanted you all here with us this evening.’

Mary shifted onto her knees, leaned over, hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, ‘From what you shared earlier, I imagine you were nervous about sharing that. So thank you for your courage.’

I smiled, feeling my heart glow and my anxiety fade. Taking a deep breath, I returned her hug, ‘Thank you, Mary.’

‘Here it is!’ Mags announced as she and the others returned with bowls of food and more bread. Then, looking around at the smiles in the group, ‘What did we miss?’

We passed around the food, and as we settled down to eat, Mary and Zee shared our new understanding of the parable. I was relieved to have the focus taken off me for a while, but I felt uncomfortable every time they mentioned my name.

Mary saw my discomfort and started asking Aquila and me questions about Rome. The distraction worked, and I felt my tensions subside as we talked.

Zee had moved to chat with Mags and Salome but returned to our small group after a while. ‘I wanted to thank you again, Prisca.’ He said, ‘Your insight into the parable fits exactly with what Jesus did for me. Over the years, he gradually helped me to let go of my anger… he gently removed those weeds from my heart so that I was ready to receive the life he offered. And now the Spirit has taken up that ongoing task of weeding.’

Our group had broken up into smaller units. Zee, Mary, Aquila and I sat together, and the others enjoyed lively conversations in groups of two or three.

In this smaller gathering, with people I knew and trusted, I felt more secure and summoned the courage to ask, ‘Do... do you think the Spirit could help with my anxiety in the same way that Jesus helped you with your anger?’ I blurted the words out before my fear could take over. But even then, my throat started to close, and the end of the sentence came out as a squeak.

‘I'm sure of it.’ Zee smiled

Mary put down her bowl and leaned closer, ‘I know he would.’ She smiled, ‘How do you deal with it now?’

‘In the main... very badly,’ I said with a gentle laugh, not wanting to attract the attention of the rest of the group. ‘My father taught me to take slow, deep breaths and focus on things that calm me. It helps a little sometimes, but ...but there are many times when I feel overwhelmed.’

‘That's exactly how I used to be with anger.’ Zee nodded, closing his eyes as he recalled feeling overwhelmed by that negative emotion. He opened them again, smiling, ‘but Jesus taught me to let go and give my anger to God.’

‘I used to wrestle with it... I’d try deep breaths and focus on holding it back, trying to force it down with my will alone, but that seemed to make it stronger. Instead, Jesus taught me to acknowledge my anger... to embrace it, own it, and breathe it out, giving it to God. He said that God is always ready to share or take our burdens, but people insist on carrying them around themselves.’

‘It's like we cling to our weeds.’ Aquila said thoughtfully, ‘They may be choking the life out of us and causing misery for us and others, but they are familiar, and they are ours.’

‘Thank you, Aquila,’ I said quietly, ‘That's exactly it.

‘I’m frustrated with the way that I get so anxious, but at the same time, I'm not sure about who I’d be without my anxiety.’ I shook my head, ‘I am such a mess.'

‘We all are,’ Zee said gently, ‘But we have angels to help us be free of those weeds. It is not instant; it takes time to learn to let go... but my experience shows that it's possible.’

‘Prisca,’ Zee paused until I looked at him, ‘Would you like to learn to give your anxiety to God?’

To my surprise, tears came unbidden to my eyes. I nodded, unable to speak as hope and fear filled my chest.

Zee got Mary to put one hand on my shoulder and the other over my heart and Aquila to put his hands on my other shoulder and my back. As they shuffled into position, my anxiety rose rapidly, I screwed my eyes tight shut, and my body tensed. What if this didn't work? What if God didn't want my foolish anxiety? What if...

‘Prisca, these are weeds that an enemy has planted,’ Mary whispered, sensing my tension, ‘They are not you... they are not part of who God is calling you to be. It is time to let them go and shine like the child of God you truly are.’

Tears began to make their way down my cheeks as Zee started praying, ‘Father, we thank you for our sister, Prisca. We thank you for her courage, for her wisdom and insight, and for her friendship. Father, you know the weeds that are choking her potential, so we ask you to help her uproot them and let them go.’

I kept my eyes tight shut and bit my lip, trying to stop myself from sobbing as the tears flowed freely. ‘Prisca,’ Zee said gently, ‘I can tell you’re anxious now. Please stop fighting it and instead recognise it as something other than you... to see it as weeds to be got rid of. Don’t breathe to control it; instead, breathe it out and give it to God.’

I understood what Zee was saying, but the fear in my heart and the tension in my chest and head were overwhelming.

‘Prisca, my sister.’ Mary whispered in my ear, ‘Let God help you... let his angels gently help you.’

I didn’t think it was possible, but my anxiety grew even stronger as wave after wave of fear threatened to drown me.

‘Trust me.’

That voice came loud and clear in my head, steadying me as waves of fear crashed around me.

‘There will be many times like this as you follow me... but give it all to me.’

Suddenly, the anxiety that had seemed so tightly rooted in my heart began to move, and I knew that God wanted this. I finally accepted that God wasn't dismissive of my fears; he understood them and wanted me to be free of them. I took a deep breath and then let it out, giving God my stress, my anxiety, and my fear.

‘Good.’ I didn't look, but I could hear the smile in Zee's voice, ‘Keep breathing out your fears... and as you breathe in, take in God's shalom, his completeness, his belonging, his peace and let that saturate every part of you.’

I could hear Mary and Aquila praying quietly on either side, and their hands felt hot through my clothes. That warmth spread through my body, and that same gentle peace I'd known earlier began to replace the fear.

The tension slowly left my body, my shoulders relaxed, and the tightness in my face faded. I felt a deep peace in my heart, and waves of gratitude replaced the waves of fear. ‘Thank you... thank you... thank you...’ I sobbed quietly, tears of joy replacing the tears of fear I’d known moments earlier.

Mary hugged me again, and I straightened up and wiped my eyes. ‘Thank you.’ I smiled, looking around at the three of them. Then I noticed the rest of the group were all looking at the four of us. Some of them had hands outstretched, praying for me, and all were smiling. Usually, being the focus of such attention would cause me to panic. Instead, I felt another wave of gratitude and a deep affection for our newfound family.

‘And thank you all, too.’ I laughed. It was a joyful, giddy, carefree laugh… a laugh like none I’d ever experienced. I turned back to Zee, ‘That was so... so freeing. Thank you!’

‘You're welcome.’ He laughed, too, clearly delighted in my joy. ‘It has not gone forever; sometimes, my anger still rises. But with practice, it does get easier to let it go. Each time you feel your fear rising, remember this moment and give it to God.’

He was right; there have been many times since when I've needed God's help with weeds of anxiety that threatened to choke me. But I know an enemy has planted them, and God wants me to be free of them. So, with practice, I've learned to give those fears to God, and he has given me the peace, strength and courage to live life in all its fullness.

As the evening settled in and the sun gently sank behind the hill, the entire place buzzed with joyful laughter and lively conversation. Achim and a few of the other servants set about lighting some torches and placing them in brackets around the courtyard.

Then, as they each returned to their groups, Peter's voice rang out in song, ‘Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.’ He continued that well-known Hallel psalm, ‘Let Israel say...’

And joy filled my heart all over again as I joined the whole assembly, singing back, ‘His love endures forever!’