Battling an Eating Disorder

Each month our parish magazine editor, Bev Wright, features a story about a local person.  
The March 2019 'Teatime Chat' focuses on Alex Jackson and her account of her battle with an eating disorder.
Reproduced here with permission
Teatime ChatTo mark international Eating Disorders Awareness Week from February 25 to March 3, our Teatime Chat this month is with a young Kineton woman who knows first hand the devastating impact such disorders can have.

Name: Alex Jackson.

Year of birth:1995

What brought you to Kineton and when?
We moved to Kineton in 2010 when dad became the vicar at St Peter’s. Until I was 10, he worked in engineering but in 2005 felt called to go into the church and we moved to Leamington, where he started his training. I went to Southam School and was still there when we moved to Kineton, then I went to Shottery in 2011 to do my A levels.

Occupation/story:
I knew from a young age that I wanted to go into medicine and have always had a passion for the subject. However, when it came to it I didn’t think I would be a good enough applicant, so I applied to do Biomedical Sciences with a view to potentially doing medicine as a post grad. In September 2013 I began my Biomed degree in Sheffield and it was in my first year there that I developed an eating disorder.

I had started to have problems with my weight when I was about 15. I’m not very tall or naturally skinny and began putting on more weight around this age. I wasn’t necessarily aware of it, but my ‘friends’ started making jokes about my size and I began to feel inadequate.

In summer 2010 I went on an intense diet and lost a stone in two weeks. I got so many positive comments and finally felt worthy as a person: losing weight and starving myself was the key to being accepted. As it commonly happens with most diets, I gradually put most of the weight back on throughout my final school years (2010-2013) and by the time I went to university my self-esteem was pretty low. My confidence was shaken multiple times by guys in these fragile years, too, and I attributed any rejection to the way I looked and the weight I was. By Easter 2014, during my first year in Sheffield, my insecurities began to cause tension within my current relationship.

I went on another highly restrictive diet, losing 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I would not eat more than 1,000 calories a day (less that the nutritional requirement of a 2 year old); I would weigh everything I ate and calculate calories meticulously. I stopped having milk, cheese and most carbohydrates…even fruit was limited because of its sugar content. If I ever went over this limit I’d go on a 10k run just to compensate. 

Sure enough, the positive comments followed soon after:

“You’re so tiny- I’m so jealous” “What’s your secret?”

“Guys are actually looking at you again, Alex”

“You look so good!”

Having never received compliments like these from friends and strangers before, I was sure I was doing something right. This is what I needed to do in order to be desired. It didn’t matter that my periods stopped; that I became more irritable, more tired, and colder…it was a small price to pay.

As I lost more weight, people started to say I had gone too far, but all I could see were my ‘problem areas’: areas that needed fixing and weren’t good enough. Eventually, through continued persuasion by those close to me, I allowed myself to eat slightly more (1,200 calories… still less than the nutritional requirement for a small child). I planned for this to be temporary, just to get people off my back and perhaps give myself some more energy whilst in the library. However, straying from my strict regime eventually resulted in weekly binges, sometimes eating as much as 7,000 calories in a few hours (mainly composed of sweet foods). The guilt and shame that followed resulted in severe restriction/starvation for the following few days- a form of punishment for letting myself go and giving my body what it was craving so badly. Within 5-6 days I would binge again, as a natural response to such restriction, and a vicious cycle emerged. I took to self-induced vomiting and laxative use, but despite eating less than 600 kcal roughly 5 days a week, I was actually gaining weight. This is where the Bulimia Nervosa emerged.

Despite a brief remission in the summer of 2016, amongst the joy of graduation and new love, I stayed in this damaging cycle for three and a half years. It became more severe once I began my medical degree in Leicester and I stopped socialising as much, because I found it was easier to control my eating if I was alone. My passion for medicine dwindled, every relationship I had began to suffer, and all the love I had towards family and friends was gradually replaced by emptiness. I feared I would lose control if I were around food or in any social situation- Christmas and birthdays became particularly threatening. There was no room for enjoyment as every waking thought was consumed with counting calories and shape checking.

With the help of a friend, I finally consulted a GP in January 2018. I began taking anti-depressants and was referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy at the adult eating disorder service, which finally began in November 2018.

I have improved an incredible amount over the past six months: my periods have returned, I’m learning to love myself more and more, I’ve been travelling with friends and I even bought cheese and crisps in my weekly shop at the beginning of 2019 (something I haven’t done for 5 years).

Alarmingly, it’s come to my attention how little education there is on eating disorders in the medical profession. For so long I didn’t realise there was anything medically wrong with my behaviour, and neither did most people around me. For the majority of my eating disorder I appeared a healthy weight, was able to fake a smile and appear relatively normal. Yet inside, I was the sickest I’ve ever been. There are many more people in similar situations and I’m hoping I can reach out to as many as possible, alongside raising awareness about the subtlety of some eating disorders. I also hope to use my position in the medical profession to work to implement major changes in diagnosis and management.

You can’t live with an eating disorder. You can survive, breathe and function, but you can’t live. You can’t have fun, relax, enjoy food, laugh or love.

What are you best known for in the village? Being the vicar’s daughter!

What do you like most about Kineton? That it is so friendly and self contained. And it has the best curry house in Warwickshire!

If you could do one thing to improve the village what would it be? Move it closer to a big town so there was a bit more action nearby!

What is your philosophy on life... in one sentence? I’d like to leave the world a better place for having been here; big or small.

How or for what would you like to be remembered? Being a bubbly, joyful person who left people feeling happy.