Allow for the grief we are all carrying
Over the 12 years I’ve been the vicar of the Edgehill Churches, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside many bereaved people. Grief is the right and natural response to any loss, and it comes with a range of complex and sometimes unexpected emotions. These include shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, anxiety, numbness, and profound sadness. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; grief affects everyone differently…
Some people can be overwhelmed by loss; others just have moments when they lose control; still others throw themselves into work and the funeral arrangements, and the impact of the death of their loved one does not hit for months or even years; for some it’s very complex, as there may have been broken relationships involved; others feel at a loss, as their whole identity may have been tied up with being the primary carer of the person they’ve lost.
Also, we grieve for things other than the people we’ve lost… We grieve over the loss of health or mobility, losing a job, the breakdown of a relationship, the death of a pet, moving home, and so much more.
We sometimes imagine that our task in dealing with grief is to reduce it over time to a manageable size. However, the grief-shaped hole in our lives does not diminish. Instead, through the bereavement journey, we grow as a person to incorporate the loss we now carry.
When we know someone is grieving, we are sympathetic towards them, make allowances for their behaviour, and offer emotional and practical support. If we’re unaware of someone’s loss, we can sometimes be impatient with them and then find ourselves having to apologise when we discover the burden they’re carrying (or maybe that just happens to me!)
I am profoundly aware that we are all collectively grieving many compounded losses over these last 2 years… loss of those that have died; loss of community as so many things have struggled to restart after serial lockdowns; loss of jobs; loss of financial security as prices rise; loss of peace with the wars and conflict in Ukraine, Afghanistan, Yemen, and so many more places; loss of political stability as politics becomes more polarised; loss of environmental security as we see the impact of climate change already devastating people’s homes. We are all grieving. We all feel these losses differently, and we all grieve differently, but we are all grieving.
With my background in engineering, I love problem-solving, and my default mode is to try and fix things… but you can’t fix grief. Dealing with grief is a process, a journey that takes time. But one of the first steps is to acknowledge that you are grieving.
Our hearts break over the situation in our world, and it helps to acknowledge this and grieve for the world we’ve lost. Those feelings are real; ignoring them, hardening our hearts, or rushing into 'fix-it' mode (trying to do something we can control) can be unhelpful. We need to start by acknowledging where we are… feeling the weight of the sadness for what has been lost.
When we let the events of these recent times break our hearts, we get a glimpse of God’s heart for our world. The Bible frequently tells us that God is compassionate, and Jesus was often moved with compassion for the people he met. God is not remote and untouched by the pain in this world, he grieves with us.
God doesn’t just stand back, wringing his hands over the state of the world, he feels the pain and then moves into action. It was because of his compassion that Jesus came, and that compassion still fuels the community he founded.
I love how so many people in our communities have been moved to help refugees from Ukraine and Afghanistan, take action for the environment, and more. However, if we skip the recognition of the loss and jump into ‘fix it’ mode, then we may miss the chance to grow through that bereavement journey. Months, or even years, from now, we may find the grief comes back to trip us up when we least expect it. That doesn’t mean we should stay wallowing in a sea of sadness. By acknowledging our loss, we incorporate it into ourselves and can respond appropriately.
My prayer for us all, as we look to see how we can help with the various crises our world is facing, is that we will also take time to acknowledge the loss we have experienced and make allowances for the grief we are all carrying.
Rev Barry Jackson